


Happy Person

by Hiss_hiss_bish



Series: I hate loving you, bastard [2]
Category: Magnus Chase and the Gods of Asgard - Rick Riordan
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Depression, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Light Angst, She/Her Pronouns For Alex Fierro, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-20
Updated: 2020-03-20
Packaged: 2021-03-01 02:42:32
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,128
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23228056
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hiss_hiss_bish/pseuds/Hiss_hiss_bish
Summary: Magnus Chase was the happy kind of person.He was the person who'd make people around him believe in themselves. But he had never been as good at that when it came to himself.
Relationships: Magnus Chase/Alex Fierro
Series: I hate loving you, bastard [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1658836
Comments: 4
Kudos: 137





	Happy Person

Magnus Chase was a happy kind of person.

He wasn't usually the cheerful athletic type who jumped up and down and practically energised everyone around him, but people said that he was like Sunshine. He had never been sure why, maybe it was because he smiled almost all the time, and was the most optimistic of their friend group.

Alex said he _radiated_ happiness. 

But, he really wasn't so sure about that. He did cheer up people just by being around them, or talking. He had a knack for this kind of stuff. But, he was the quiet kid at the back of the class who smiled so bright that it made up for his quietness. He was the nerdy kid who barely knew how to do anything but had somehow managed to get the most adored person in the school to kiss him.

"It's because opposites attract" they said to him "Alex is the dark and broody type, and you're the Sunshine of the school"

He'd smile and laugh at that, but he never really thought of it like that. Alex was the light of his life, she laughed carelessly where he had this tiny chuckle. She talked about the most random things with such a passion that it would make anyone listen to her. She was the more extroverted of the two, even if she looked unapproachable most of the time.

She never really made him compare himself to her, but sometimes he'd look at the scars on her arms, given to her by her father, and then compare them to the ones on his arm, which he'd given himself.

He didn't know why he did it. He really didn't. He was the happy person. He never should do things like that to himself.

But when he stared at them for too long, he'd go back to the dark place he used to be in. He was out of it now, or so he thought. 

He never really _thought_ about what he was doing. It never really hurt, but it felt good, maybe that was a little crazy, but it was an addiction. The next morning, he'd usually be too numb to realise that it was hurting. And, the next few days, he'd forget it while doing his job of being the Happy Person.

Sometimes, when he stood in front of the mirror, and saw the silver scars running along his upper arm where no one could see them. His energy would drop. His knees would get weak. 

The feeling he felt wasn't sadness, exactly, it was just a wish for everything to stop. Just stop. Stop the movement and the noise outside. Stop the attempts to get better grades by actually looking into his open textbooks. Stop trying to get better with his mental health.

Just stop existing.

And then he'd just want to lie on the floor, the bed wasn't good enough. He'd just want to lie there in a fetal position until his heart stopped beating.

He never liked violence, with himself or anybody else. This addiction he'd started was something he had no idea how he went through. He'd never use something very sharp, it was always something relatively blunt, because he wanted the pain, or just to stare as he cut his own skin, it was a strange kind of fascination. He also wanted to stop existing, but he didn't want to _kill_ himself as such. He wanted it to happen peacefully, without his own efforts.

Getting addicted to the pain and ceasing to exist were two completely different things for Magnus. And they both felt too welcoming to stop thinking about.

There were days where he couldn't find the will to wake up from the bed. And he'd just think that he could lie there, maybe, get something sharper, and get it over with.

But then Alex wouldn't have her Happy Person.

He'd been the reason she'd gotten out of _her_ dark place. And he liked the way her lips tasted on his. He would always think if it was worth it. And it would be, he decided it was worth it. So he'd get up from the bed, numbness seeping through his bones, and put on the first outfit he could muster the energy to pick up.

That day was no different. They'd decided for a date at a nearby café. He'd wanted to decline, but then Alex had given him that grin. And he was the Happy Person. He couldn't say no to that.

So he walked where his legs carried him, and eventually found a free place near the window. He rested his head against the glass and waited for Alex. A waitress came in to take his order, but he just told her in a tired voice that he'd tell her later. In fact, he didn't have enough energy to look through the menu.

Soon enough, Alex entered the café and her eyes lit up when she saw him. She gave him his usual Cheshire cat grin which he returned with a small smile.

She slid into the seat opposite to him. Her eyes seemed to soften a little when she looked him up and down.

"Ordered anything yet?" she said in that voice she used when she knew Magnus was having a bad day.

His throat seemed to have closed up, so he just shook his head. 

_Just order something for me_ , he signed, something they both fortunately knew, courtesy of Hearthstone.

She nodded, and looked up something from the menu. Magnus gazed at her, he didn't really hear what she was saying, but he liked looking at her.

She called a waiter and told him something, he dimly heard her asking for a vegan sandwich and two simple iced cold coffees.

She turned back to him as the waiter left. She gave him another grin, which suddenly made it worth coming here, as tired as he was.

"See something you like?" She teased.

"Yeah, my girlfriend" he smiled.

Her smile seemed to dim a little. He might not have noticed if he wasn't staring at her lips.

She pulled him a little forward and kissed him as if she were doing it for the last time. She seemed to do that a lot, he didn't know why.

"You can talk to me" she said, in a soothing voice as she pulled away.

"About what" he asked, puzzled.

"Whatever you're thinking abt, Magpie"

His lack of protest at the nickname proved that he was genuinely tired.

"It's too much" he said, "I don't have the energy for conversation right now"

"I know...but I won't interrupt or ask anything unless you want me to say anything, just speak, however slowly you want, don't bottle it up"

He took a deep breath and shifted a little so his head wasn't resting on the window. It lolled painfully to the side.

"Can you sit next to me" Magnus asked, in an even lower voice.

Alex obliged, and put an arm around his waist as his head rested on her shoulder.

"I don't know how well I can explain it, 'Lex" he began slowly "It's just.....I don't really feel like doing much at any time of the day. Sometimes it's so bad I don't want to get up from my bed, like today."

Alex stiffened, but didn't say anything. He was grateful.

"I'm so, so tired. It's not that I'm sad, or depressed, well, I mean, I do have depression, but it's not that. Sometimes, doing things just drains too much out of me, even holding conversations. I can't stand straight, or even sit down without this weird sort of anxiety. Sleeping is a whole other story.

"And I don't even really know what's wrong. It just doesn't feel right. Nothing feels right. And then I start overthinking, but even that drains too much out of me. And then I just feel like not existing."

Alex inhaled sharply while Magnus paused.

"Sometimes I have bursts of energy, but they're more harmful than the exhaustion, cuz it gives me enough strength to hurt myself, and I don't even feel anything the next day cuz looking at them makes me feel numb and tired all over again"

He paused again as a waiter came to put their drinks and sandwich on the table. He said something along the lines of 'enjoy your food' and Alex thanked him, before he left.

Alex got her glass of coffee and sipped from the straw, and held the other for Magnus. He tried to lift his hands enough to hold it, but they wouldn't comply, and they were shaking so much he would've dropped it. Alex gave him a severely concerned look before putting it on the table.

He bent forward a little and sipped from the straw. The coldness made him feel a little better.

He looked down as he continued "I've been trying to tell Randolph, but he just seems to think I'm doing it for attention, and I don't know, maybe I am....but it won't matter if I don't exist, will it? I can't ask for attention if I'm....not existing"

He had been about to say 'dead' but thought better of it.

"I don't really want to kill myself, you know. I mean, I know I hurt myself, but it isn't because of that. Self infliction has become like an addiction, but this....dying thing, it's more like I want to go to sleep and never wake up..."

Alex had put her drink on the table by now, and was resolutely staring at it as though trying to psychically make the glass burst.

"But, I'm the Happy Person" Magnus finished "I'm supposed to be happy, and I'm supposed to make everyone happy, I'm not supposed to be sad"

"That's it" Magnus said, taking another sip "That's all there is to it"

"Magnus," Alex began in a shaky voice "You're allowed to feel emotions. It's okay if you're not happy all the time."

"I know" he sighed " but I don't want to hurt anybody, I don't want to hurt you"

"The only way you hurt me is bottling everything up and taking it out on yourself"

"You're telling me, Alex"

"This isn't _about me_ , Magnus"

"I know, I don't know what to do, I just, never want to do the things everyone expects me to do"

"What, like, be happy?" She scoffed "they've labelled you the 'Happy Person', Magnus. You can't be _forced_ into being happy."

He gave a bitter laugh at that, "Yeah, Uncle Randolph never actually acknowledges when I'm _actually_ happy, he just seems to notice when I'm upset, and then argue with me about how I'm sad all the time. It's like it's s compulsion to be happy all the fucking time, and I'm so tired of it."

"I know" Alex said "But don't stop existing, I don't care whether or not you're the Happy Person everyone wants, I just want you to be my Person"

He put his head in his hands and started crying for real.

"I know, I'm just so sick of it," he said in a watery voice "I'm so sick of being forced to pretend that I'm happy all the time when I don't even want to. I don't want to pretend all the time. And when I'm doing such a good job at it, somebody has to come along and then I just snap and I can't help it, and I need to hurt myself and the I just wish I could just never wake up when I go to sleep cuz it's just so goddamn exhausting"

He was rambling at this point, but Alex just pulled him to her chest and started rubbing circles into his back.

"There'll be a day when you won't feel like you just want to stop existing, ok?" She whispered "But for now, I'm going to make sure you don't have to pretend to be the Happy Person everyone wants you to be"

He nodded and wiped tears from his eyes, but stayed like that till they both finished their meal.

Maybe it would get better, then. But for now, he didn't want to lose the feeling of Alex holding him close. He could hear the beating of her heart in her chest, and he thought about what he'd do if it stopped. He couldn't imagine it, how could he have even though of his own coming to a stop when he knew what it'd do to her?

Alex was right, Magnus didn't have to be everbody's Happy Person, he just needed to be Alex's Person.

"What do I have to do to be your Person, Alex?"

"You just have to exist, Magnus"

___

**Author's Note:**

> This is kind of a vent, and I'm not sure if it makes much sense, but this is somewhat a description of what I feel all the time.
> 
> Randolph is basically my parents, and Alex is like one of my best friends, and I didn't know how to express it, so, you know, I wrote a Fierrochase fic


End file.
